Chapter 45

     Reading the letter had moved him in a way that went far beyond intellectual and logical processing. He felt something on a much deeper emotional level in that moment, and for the first time since the accident he had a sense of clarity. No matter what else happened in this life, he knew on a deeply personal level that he was loved. That at least two other people had felt this kind of complete and unconditional thing for him, and it made him feel powerful. He thought in that moment of an old quote from Lao Tzu. ‘Being loved deeply by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.’ It completely summed up the moment for him.

     He held the last letter in his hand, and thought for a moment about this place, the farm, Chicago, and came to two conclusions. One, none of these places were home anymore. Not now, and not for him. The second thing he realized was that he wanted to live. No more killing himself slowly and no more running away from life and no more neglecting his life and work as a therapist. He wanted to live. Owed it to his wife and daughter to keep living.

He unfolded his letter.

‘Dear John

No letter ever ended well that starts “Dear John.” It means a breakup is coming fast, and I hope that’s not the case here. If you’ve broken up with any of the important people in your life, then you are a fool, and I would like you to burn this letter now. There’s nothing else worth reading. You found happiness. I’m 100 percent certain, and I hope to God you haven’t run from it. 

You are writing this letter after a LONG period wandering around in the dark, so in a way, this is a breakup letter. A breakup from running away from love, and not letting people love you back. You finally figured it out this time, and it took you decades to get here. I hope you didn’t go from cherishing these two women to taking them for granted, but I’m sure that sometimes you did. It’s what people do. Even the best people. But I know that YOU know, like deep down visceral know, that these women are your ticket to a happy life. You’re knew at this, and you’ve made some mistakes, don’t be so fucking hard on yourself. I know you loved them. I’ve written to you before like this, and it’s all still us. Some of the pieces never change. You are an incredibly lucky man having found what you found.

      There are parts of you I DON”T know, and these things kind of fascinate me actually. You’re a dad and a husband now, and you know virtually nothing about either one of these things. How did you do?? I’m genuinely interested. I know you loved them, and if you have that then the rest of it kind of writes itself.

      And what about you? How did you sustain yourself creatively, spiritually, and professionally apart from your roles as a husband and father. Did you shake that silly notion that a person has to be tortured themselves to be of any help to others? Did you continue to create things? Add some little piece to other’s understanding? I hope you did. It’s part of what makes you who you are. Show your daughter how to do this. It’s all pretty new to her.

      Remember that this life is a grand adventure wrapped up in a long sleep. Everything comes to an end. You, your wife, your daughter, and everyone you know. I hope you can look in the mirror and at least know that you were loved, and that you loved well. If you know these things then you’ve been a success.’

     He had read his own mind….

     He walked back to the car with the letters in his hand, feeling as he did that a chapter of his life had come to an end. He could no longer be with all of these people he had loved physically, but they would be indelibly stamped inside his heart forever, and he knew that this would sustain him. Had to sustain him. He started the car and took a long look into the rear view mirror. There was more for him in this world, but it wasn’t here anymore. Not on the farm, and not in Chicago, and not anywhere else that was familiar. Not now. It wasn’t home.  He would travel somewhere far, far away and see what else the world had to offer. Thailand. Australia. New Zealand maybe. Somewhere where he could get lost in the world and start again. 

He popped in a Tom Waits Cd as he continued to see the farm get smaller in his mirror.

‘Oh, how we danced and you

Whispered to me

You’ll never be going back home

You’ll never be going back home'

It was just the right song…