Chapter 36

    Getting back on the road, John felt a new sense of purpose. He had reached some kind of deeper understanding during his time in Monterey, and he felt some missing pieces in his life were beginning to slowly reassemble. He still had a long way to go though, and he knew there was something he still needed to do.

     He pointed the car north and began to drive, no longer as a tourist adrift in the world, but a man with a place to go. In another life and in another time he would have stopped in San Francisco, drank some wine and taken in the sights, but for now, those kinds of urges had passed. For now he wanted to do nothing but drive.

     It was a long, fast burn up I5 in California, and on a number of occasions John looked down and realized his speedometer had reached 100 miles an hour. It was too fast, and he reminded himself to slow it down. He knew for the moment he wanted to live and a car crash would be anticlimactic. He put on his James Taylor CD and slowed it down. Sweet Baby James was good like that.

     As the sun went down, John realized he was approaching Bend Oregon, one of his favorite little ski town in the northwest, and a great place to stop for the night. He checked in to a little hotel named the Riverbend hotel, and stopped and took a look around. In the distance he saw the sun going down over Mt. Bachelor and a passing truth ran across his mind. Life was beautiful. At least some of the scenery anyway. He was hot, sweaty, and tired, but seeing the mountain rise up above him gave him hope. For all its many and massive travails, life could be beautiful.

    He checked into his room and took a long look in the mirror. He was actually appearing grizzled, which is a look he had never been able to cultivate throughout his life. Perhaps the combination of travel, alcohol, and pathos was toughening up his appearance a bit. He made a mental note to shave in the morning. 

     He wandered down to the bar and out of habit ordered a tall Maker’s Mark and coke. He had driven nearly 1000 miles since his last real refreshment, and he felt like he had earned a nice drink. And yet, a little voice inside of him urged caution, and John stopped for a moment and considered his options.

     He wandered out to the deck overlooking the Deschutes River and thought about his current dilemma. Although he was no longer comforted by platitudes, he thought about a handout he used to give his clients who resisted taking positive actions in their life. The quote went back thousands of years, and read, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If not you, then who? If not now, then when?” It made him laugh out loud to think about how he was attempting to use his own therapy on himself, and yet the point stood. If not you, then who?? 

He took his untouched drink back inside and set it back on the bar.    

If not now, then when?