Chapter 43

     Two drinks. He had two drinks at the bar. Two drinks like a normal person coming home from work. A relaxing nightcap. It was what normal people did, but he still felt a long way from normal. Still, he couldn’t shut the voice in his head up, and he felt that possibly his resilience was beginning to strengthen. He knew the time had come.

     He put on some clothes he didn’t mind getting dirty and headed back to the barn, stopping as he did and taking it in again. He had spent time fixing it up as the owner, but basically it looked the same. This barn had been in a recurring dream of his for nearly a decade, and figuring out that dream had set him on a course to find his wife and daughter. It was a place that had a great deal of significance to him.

      He went to the back and lined his feet up, one behind the other, back lined up perfectly with the rear door. He knew the way from here. Fifty steps, one foot at a time. As he got to his destination he looked around and saw the farmland on the horizon. It was his home for a while. His paradise really, but instinctively he felt that something was going to change. Whatever he was about to look at would change his life forever. He was sure of that.

     He dug his shovel into the dirt and felt the sweat gather on his brow. He hadn’t been taking very good care of himself, and the labor of the exercise was difficult for him.  He figured it would take ten full heaves to find his treasure, but he was wrong. It took five before he reached the familiar old wooden box they had all picked out together. In it contained three letters. One written by each of them to their future selves.

     He decided he would read his daughter’s letter first. She had always been able to make him laugh, and he guessed it might be the lightest of the three to read, given the circumstances. He unwrapped the crumbled piece of paper and began to read.

‘Dear Kim.

Why exactly are you burying a piece of paper in the dirt? Never mind, I know the answer already. It was your dad’s idea. He’s always doing things like that. Asking you to ponder the “mystery” of life. You pretended it was corny and that you didn’t like it, but secretly you loved it. He saved your life. Saved it in every way. He always knew about following his heart. Now you’re happy. I hope you stay happy. I hope you remain grateful for every single moment with your mom and dad and the life they gave you when they adopted you. I hope your teen years went alright. Those can be hard. But mostly I hope you’re still grateful. Your life was not supposed to turn out like this, but some people took a chance on you and things were never the same. I hope YOU have taken a chance on others in your life. That you paid it forward, gave back to others instead of keeping it all for yourself. That’s all I guess. I’ll look forward to meeting you in the future. ‘

    

He looked down and saw his own tears had begun to smudge the writing. His hands were shaking, and he took another long look at the horizon, just as he had done when he was a child. He realized the letter was the culmination of everything he wanted in his life. To make a difference. To do something that mattered. For years he thought he would accomplish this by being famous, or writing books, or being a psychologist, but in that moment he knew.   

 

He had found it by being a father.