Chapter 38

    The last portion of this particular drive was familiar to John in a way that had made him smile. He and his friends would often drive from their home in the Tri-Cities across the border into Oregon to drink beer, gamble, and just generally feel like they were somewhere besides their home. He flipped through his music and found an old Bon Jovi song ‘Never Say Goodbye’. It was their song back then, and it was strangely appropriate again now. It somehow energized him for the last leg of the day’s journey.

     As John crossed into his old hometown, Bon Jovi continued to provide the soundtrack, this time serenading him with ‘who says you can’t go home,’ which was again strangely appropriate given the circumstances. By the time the song got to ‘just a hometown boy, born a rolling stone’ he was pulling into his old driveway. Once again he had that strange sensation like he had traveled back in time. He was becoming more and more convinced that time was a flat line.

     He saw his mother standing in the doorway and he stopped a moment and took her in. She was not the young woman he remembered, at least in appearance, although he found himself thinking about that time and that place.

     They had been poor growing up, and the quality of their relationship had varied a great deal over the years. Still, she had relished the role of being a grandmother, and had doted on Kim in a way that made her feel very special, which John had always been grateful for. It was a pleasure to see someone’s best self. His mother had found that in the role of a grandparent.

   They stood there awkwardly for some time, until finally his mother broke the ice and pulled John into a deep embrace, which had a certain uncomfortable quality to it given their usual exchanges. Affection had never been easy between the two of them, and there was always the weight of matters past keeping them ever so slightly apart.

"My son, I'm so sorry. That's all I'm going to try and say right now. I'm happy to see you. Despite the circumstances I'm so happy you're alright and still here.”

"Thank you mom. Despite everything I wanted to be here. To come home to something that was familiar. I'm glad to see you as well."

     And with that they dropped their embrace and John came inside. It wasn't the house he grew up in, but a lot of the artifacts of his past remained, and John felt the now familiar sensation of being dislodged in time. He felt young again here. Like his life had just opened up another narrative where he was 21 again, never married, and with a chance to reconcile with his mother before he said something he couldn’t take back.

    He gathered himself and looked around, realizing that he was in fact the older man with all the scars. His mother was still here though. That was something. He could at least do the best he could to create memories with her that were good. To let her comfort him in his hour of need and to let her be the loving and kind mother she was trying hard to be.

He could at least do that.