Chapter 23

John spent a couple of hours talking with his new friend Tim, and during the conversation was reminded why it was he had become a psychologist in the first place. He wanted to instill hope in people, and even at his most wounded, that instinct was still very strong. He believed he had done that with Tim, and while they spoke, he began to feel a pull back towards his professional calling s a therapist. Although it had been Tim that was asking him for help, in the end it was as the Buddhist’s said. It is the giver who should be thankful.

     He spent the rest of the day gathering up supplies for his hike to the bottom of the canyon, the place of his last truly spiritual experience. In the month since his wife and daughter had died, he had been drinking fairly regularly, and he worried about his fitness level as he contemplated the task that was before him. It was 13 miles to the bottom of the canyon, and that was the easy part. Going back up was when the trouble started.

     He spent the evening on the patio at the El Tovar, which overlooked the canyon. He had switched from Bourbon back to beer for the occasion, as he did not want to take on tomorrow’s task with a hangover. He would need all of his physical resources for what he had to do. As the evening wore on, he noticed Tim and a number of his co-workers sit down, and he waved John over to come and join the party. John took a look over at Tim and some of the pretty girls he had with him, took a long lookk at his beer, and, with a deep sigh shook his head. In another life he would have been over there in a second, but right now he had another agenda. All of this has happened before, and all of this will happen again he reminded himself as he retired upstairs to his room. 

     He got up very early the next morning to begin his journey, knowing that despite the fact that it was quite cool at the top of the canyon, it got considerably warmer as one descended. As he took his first step, he thought about his daughter Kim, and the first book he had ever given her when she officially became his, “Oh the places we’ll go,” by Dr. Seuss. He had promised her that they would travel the world together, and he felt a pang of sadness wash over him as he realized this was a promise he would be unable to keep. The Beatles said “you’re gonna carry that weight a long time,” he was sure they were right.

     Despite the fact that he was carrying a heavy backpack, and that he had been drinking, not sleeping and eating poorly for the last month, John felt strangely energized as he descended into the canyon. He ha studied a great deal about the mind-body connection over the course of his career, and he knew that the mind had a great capacity to make the body ill, and also make it a whole lot better in even the most dire of circumstances. He also knew that it worked the other way as well, that getting the body in good shape could also heal the mind. He knew this would be a significant physical test, but right now he was cruising.

     He reached Indian Garden later that morning, which meant he had walked nearly five miles since he first started out that morning. He noticed he was running a little short on water, and he refilled all of his bottles as he sat in the shade and took stock of where he was. He had come a long way down to find his truth, but he still had a long, long way to go. He couldn’t help but appreciate the symbolism. 

    As he began his final push for the day, the mid afternoon sun had risen, and he felt himself breaking into a sweat. It reminded him of how much he had been neglecting his body lately, and he realized this was something he couldn’t continue to deny. He had remained free of alcohol for over a year during his marriage, and he knew that it was no coincidence. For many years alcohol had been a kind of replacement companion for him, and now that all of the love in his life had disappeared, it had returned. It was something he was going to reconcile unless he wanted to continue to run the risk of dying a young man.

     John had gone another five miles or so when he realized he was seriously running out of steam. He had anticipated this happening, and took the opportunity to dig his ipod out of his bag to provide him with a final bit of inspiration. Music had always had the power to help him transcend things, and he hoped this would still be the case. He had to keep on going. He had no choice in the matter.

     The first song that came on was “Jesus Etc.” by Wilco, and he took that as a good omen. It was one of the first songs he and Stephanie had listened to together, and he thought of the song often when he remembered the early days of their courtship. He picked up the pace as he heard the lyrics and thought about them as they related to his own life.

‘Jesus, don't cry
You can rely on me, honey
You can combine anything you want
I'll be around
You were right about the stars
Each one is a setting sun’

He thought about his own two stars in his life, and how they had indeed been setting suns. Still, they were keeping him going now, and for that he was grateful. He had come this far, and now he had to see it through to the end.