Chapter 33

      A long drive across the desert was strangely relaxing, and as he crossed into California, John thought about how many people had made a similar trek in pursuit of some kind of dream. He had spent time in LA a few years earlier, and was briefly even considered for his own talk show in another incarnation. He thought about his days as younger, single, hard-living psychologist. He could be quite charming when he wanted to be, and instinctively knew all of the right things to say when he was on camera or doing some kind of media event.

     But deep down John knew he was living a kind of lie back then. He was promiscuous, drinking too much, and hadn’t known real intimacy in his life, despite all of the confidence he projected. Meeting his wife and adopting his daughter had given him a kind of depth that had been missing in both his life as well as his work, and he felt like he became a much more authentic psychologist as a result of finding his girls.

     He thought about his work as a therapist as he continued to head west. He reflected again on Jung’s idea that ‘it was only the wounded healer who could heal.” Could he somehow channel his experiences into his work again someday? He felt like he was in the process of answering this question. His trip to the canyon had led him to believe he still had some kind of resilience and that something inside of him was fighting to live.

      He flipped the radio to a Grateful Dead station on the satellite radio. It was his favorite music to travel to as a young man, and he still loved the music as an older guy. As he pulled through Bakersfield California, the song “Mexicali Blues” came on, and he found himself singing along,

‘Is there anything a man don't stand to lose
When he lets a woman hold him in her hands?
He just might find himself out there on horseback in the dark
Just ridin and runnin across those desert sands.’

The lyrics seemed a kind of perfect description of his life right now. He was driving across the barren desert in mourning over a woman. It was a fun song and he was enjoying himself, but his thoughts drifted towards that first stanza. Is there anything a man don’t stand to lose, when he lets a woman hold him in her hands?

    It was a great question, and one he wasn’t sure he had an answer to. He had often preached to couples that without vulnerability there was really no intimacy. It was easy to preach this mantra to others, but much harder to process when your own heart was broken in a million pieces. In the meantime he guessed he had his own version of the Mexicali Blues.

     He realized it was getting dark, and he wanted to hear some more Grateful Dead. His mood had turned towards melancholia, and he felt himself being pulled back into a familiar feeling. Although he tried to fight it, he found his own feelings difficult to resist, and, as if on auto-pilot, found himself pulling into a dusty bar in Bakersfield to drink some beer and listen to the Grateful Dead. 

He guessed he wasn't done drinking after all. 

Chapter 32

   Having survived the climb, John and Elaine decided to celebrate with dinner at the El Tovar, which for John included a huge piece of Prime Rib. The climb had been one of the most physically challenging things he had ever done, and he felt good about giving himself a little reward. They had a nice dinner and spent most of the night talking and laughing about their adventure. When it came time to retire to their rooms, there was an awkward pause.

“I suppose this is where we are supposed to say goodbye, but I feel a kind of connection to you,” Elaine said, looking John in the eye. “I know you’re grieving and I know I’m married and I know we just walked a million miles, but I want you to come in. If you want to.”

John took a long look into her eyes and could feel her loneliness, and see her pain. He had on a couple of occasions in his career been propositioned in a similar manner by his patients, and each time he knew the offer of sex was mostly an act of looking to ward off these feelings of loneliness. Still, she was an attractive woman, and he felt something for her.

“Truthfully I would love to, but I’m going to say no. I’m still pretty broken right now and I think you are as well. We did something really nice for each other today, that I for one really needed. You’re a beautiful woman and in another lifetime I would have killed to be with someone like you. But sex changes something. It just does.”

“Okay” she said without much resistance. “Do you mind if we keep in touch though? I don’t need another therapist but I could really use a friend. LA is cold and fake and phony, and I just see that there is something real in you.”

John grabbed her and pulled her into a long embrace. They sat like that for several minutes, and John took the moment in with all of his senses. The touch, the smell, the feel of another human being was something he realized he missed a great deal. Eventually they broke their embrace, exchanged numbers, and John went back to his room. Although he was feeling a stronger sense of connection, he wasn’t ready to go home yet, and knew he had one more important stop to make. He was feeling a strong pull to return to his farm, and felt like there were still some answers there he needed to pursue.

     John began his long drive across the Arizona desert after sleeping better than he had in his entire life. The physical exercise had worn him out tremendously, and he did not relish the idea of a long drive in the hot sun. He thought for a moment of veering the car towards Las Vegas, but realized this may not be a good move given his barely dormant addictions that were still laying in wait.

     After some reflection, he decided that his next stop would be Monterey California on the coast by the Pacific Ocean. It was another place that had a special place in his heart, and he especially wanted to visit Cannery Row, which was one of his favorite books when he was a young man on the road. He programmed the coordinates into the GPS and began a ten hour trek towards the Ocean. 

Chapter 31

     After spending a couple of hours talking and resting, John and his new friend Elaine decided they would walk the rest of the way together. They were both exhausted and tired, but decided that they could try and keep each other going. At the moment, they were all each other had.

     As he was walking John thought about a scene from a movie he enjoyed called Me, and you, and everyone we know. In this scene a man and a woman are walking down a street, and the woman discusses how this little walk is a lot like their lives. They are halfway through the block, and they can see the rest of their lives clearly in front of them. He thought about this as it related to his own life. He had a climb, nearly straight uphill, to finish his current walk. Yet still, he wasn’t alone.

     Although it was nice having someone to walk with, they both were feeling too tired to speak, and John decided to listen to some music in pursuit of both energy as well as inspiration. The first song that played on his iPod was “We may never pass this way again” by Seals & Croft. It was a song that had brought him a great deal of peace at various times in his life, and he thought about the words and how they related to his current incarnation. He had always wanted to return to the Grand Canyon, and planned on taking his wife and daughter here when they found the time.

Except they had never found the time.

He stopped for a moment and took a look down the canyon. It really was an incredible specimen, and he felt a sense of gratitude wash over him for the first time in a while. He was at one of the most amazing places on earth, and he had just walked ten miles in a single day. Whatever his grief and pain and loss, he was alive and breathing and still had the opportunity to see things like this. It wasn’t all bad.

     He returned to the trail and took in his new friend Elaine. She was an attractive woman, very well dressed, and had golden blond hair tied into a ponytail. He knew based on her clothing and jewelry that she was a woman of means, and he wondered what was ahead for her. Would she simply tolerate her husband’s cheating and live out the rest of her time in a kind of resigned acceptance? Did she have the strength to change her life and find happiness? If they were in therapy he would explore these questions, but for now she was just a follower traveler in need of some support.

     He looked up and saw they had about another mile to walk, and he felt a sense of pride about what he had accomplished today. He could feel the soreness in his body, but also had proved to himself that his body was still viable with the right amount of determination. He didn’t feel any urge to drink right now, and knew that was a good thing. The exercise had been a healthy dose of coping.

As they continued to walk, he felt Elaine grab his hand and look up at him.

“Do you mind,” she asked in a soft voice. “I know I just met you and I know it’s probably not quite right for either of us right now, but I want to remember what it’s like to feel protected by someone. I’m sorry if that sounds needy, but it’s how I feel right now.”

John didn’t mind. 

Chapter 30

Chapter 29

      As he began his ascent up the canyon, he took one last look back towards his home for the last couple of days. It had been a powerful experience for him after all, and he felt happy that he had done it. Perhaps his instincts were not as badly damaged as he had imagined.

     He took a long look forward and understood that he had 13 long miles to walk, nearly all of it straight up. Strangely though, he looked forward to the exercise and pushing his body to the limit. He had been abusing his body with alcohol for the last couple of weeks, and the hike ahead of him felt like a kind of penance.

      At the three mile mark he stopped for some water and for a short rest. He found an interesting rock formation on the brink of a cliff, and set his pack down and climbed on top of it. From here he could see how far he had come, and also see how far he had to go. It was a breathtaking view, and he stretched his arms out and took in the view of the canyon below. A part of him wondered what it would be like to fly. Simply hurl himself off the cliff and for one glorious moment fly like a bird to his end. A bigger part of him wanted to simply enjoy the incredible beauty of what was in front of him. He took it as a good sign.

     He walked a few more miles until he hit the halfway point. It had been a rigorous climb, and he found he was breathing very heavily when he finally made it to the rest stop. Despite his resolve and positive attitude, his body was simply not in the shape to do this kind of climb. He needed a break, some water, and a significant rest before he began the climb again.

      He found some shade at the rest stop and sat down, noticing as he did a well put together woman wearing a number of pieces of jewelry sitting by herself trying to dry her eyes. He could see that she had been crying. Somehow his instincts led him to speak.

“Uh, hello. I’m so sorry to interrupt and I understand completely if you want to be alone, but I wanted to make sure you weren’t hurt or anything like that?”

“Am I hurt? Is that what you asked me,’ she replied. “Yes I think hurt is exactly the word to describe what I am. My husband has been sleeping with other women, I’m getting old, and I’ve walked miles into the middle of a canyon on some silly search to find some answers. My feet are sore, I have nothing but these sandals, and I don’t think I can walk another step. So yes. You could say I was hurt.’

John was taken aback by her directness, but also appreciated her honesty. He’d asked a question and she had given him an answer. He realized he was no longer simply making small talk here.

“Well I’m a counselor, and I’m supposed to know what to say right now, but truthfully I’m a little hurt as well. My wife and daughter died and I also wandered down here looking for answers. And right now I don’t think I can take another step myself. I can offer you a granola bar however.”

The woman looked up at John through her tears and a faint smile spread across her face.

“A granola bar ha? I suppose you’re gonna want 300 bucks for it too? That’s what my shrink charges me.”

And with that they both laughed together. They shared a granola bar and then another, and after that talked for a while about nothing in particular. It felt good to simply be with another human being for a moment, and he allowed himself to enjoy the closeness.

It was the closest thing he’d done to a therapy session in a month. 

Chapter 29

    He dropped his pack and decided that he needed to bury his friend, despite the fact that he had limited means to do so. He surveyed the scene and realized his friend had died a mere 100 feet or so from his camp, and probably was trying to move towards his food. He wondered if he could have saved him, but thought the best he might have done would be to prolong his life for another day or two. It was simply too weak to survive.

      Putting together his tent and camp again, he realized that perhaps he wasn’t as done here as he first suspected. He instinctively felt that something important was going to happen and he reminded himself to stay open to the message. He decided to follow his feelings.

     He took out his small shovel and began to dig, thinking as he did that he may in fact spend another day here. He couldn’t stand the thought of another living creature dying alone. It had been one of his own most prominent fears before he had met his wife, and over the last couple of weeks he had started to feel it again. He looked around and realized he was utterly alone in the world, both literally and figuratively. Still, he felt the urge to complete this task. Perhaps he was burying a part of himself down here as well. He just didn’t know which part yet.

    After an hour or so of digging, he was satisfied that he had created a suitable burial ground. He waved away the flies that were starting to gather on the animal, and picked him up. His body had gotten so thin he was surprisingly easy to carry, and John saw in his eyes a kind of determination, despite the fact he hadn’t survived. Animals didn’t simply give up on their lives, and would cling to life to their dying breath despite impossible circumstances. Perhaps it was something he could learn from.

     As he began covering his friend with dirt, he felt a pang of sadness come over him more powerful than anything he had ever experienced. He had kept his emotions at bay over the last couple of weeks with alcohol and travel, but realized now he was about to crash. As he finished putting the last of the dirt over the body, he felt the tears welling up in his eyes. Although he tried to fight it, the tears began to fall harder, and in another moment he began to sob. He cried for the animal who had died alone, and he cried for all the lonely people in the world, and he cried for his wife and daughter, and he cried because everything in his life that had meaning for him was gone. He sobbed until all of these things finally came out of him, and in the end it was a kind of catharsis that he had desperately needed for some time. 

Chapter 28

  He woke up that next morning feeling like something had changed. Despite lying on the hard ground, he had slept better than he had in along time. Perhaps the exercise and break from alcohol had done him some good.

     Although he had no definite time set to return, he instinctively felt like it was time to make the difficult trip back up the canyon. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he wanted to test himself, both physically as well as emotionally. He felt like he was at a fork in the road between moving towards some kind of life force, or simply throwing in the towel, and he hoped the rigorous trip up the canyon might inspire him to make a choice.

     As he packed up his gear, he thought about something Heraclitus had said, that “no man can step into the same river twice, because he is not the same man, and it’s not the same river.” He felt like it applied to him right now. The first time he had hiked to the bottom of the canyon he had a spiritual experience, and a part of him was hoping it would happen again. Still, he did feel he had learned something on this trip, and that perhaps the lesson would clarify itself in time.

     As he began his walk up the small valley, he noticed a body lying limply in the weeds. He went to investigate, and saw that it was the coyote. He could see its ribs poking though the fur, and wondered if the animal had actually starved to death. He felt numb looking at the lifeless body of the animal, and found his mind wandering back to that awful day when he had to identify the bodies of his wife and daughter. It was the first lifeless body he had seen since that day, and he felt the emotion rising up in his chest.

So much loss.