Chapter 6

As he put on his suit and prepared to leave for the funeral, he took a long look in the mirror. His eyes were red ad his face looked tired and old, and he knew he was somewhere on the wrong side of a spiral. Yesterday he had spent nearly the entire day writing the obituary for Stephanie and Kim, and the experience had been incredibly draining in every sense of the word.

Arriving at the church, he found himself in the position of accepting condolences from a number of people, and he reminded himself to try and keep it together, at least for the next couple of hours. He found himself craving a drink, but quickly swatted this suggestion away as he remembered that his girls deserved the best of him, at least for another hour or so. After that he would be on his own.

Several people went up to the lectern to talk before John got his chance. Former students of Stephanie’s who discussed how much her classes had affected their lives. A teacher of Kim’s spoke eloquently about how powerful her transformation had been in the classroom since she had found her new family and friends, and John tried hard to give these people his full attention. They were saying things he already knew. That two women had walked the earth who were spectacular, amazing, talented, and irreplaceable. Two women who were now gone.

When it came time for John to speak, he felt a surge of emotion overwhelm him, and he began to cry. He felt like he was literally feeling of all of the pain that was being simultaneously experienced in this room, and the force of this pain for a moment physically overwhelmed him. He realized this might be the most difficult thing he had ever had to do.

“Emily Dickinson said, That it will never come again is what makes life so sweet, John began. “It’s something I’ve thought a lot about over the last couple of days. The nature of time and our short stays here on this planet. Ultimately it’s not really how long we get, but how much of this time is spent really living, and I can say, completely and unequivocally, that my time with Stephanie and Kim was this kind of sacred time. We didn’t get to have much of it, but what we did have went beyond happiness for me. For a few fleeting moments, I got to know what pure, unadulterated joy felt like. And now I am left to think about how I can proceed without it.

Part of what brings me solace is thinking about how much of this joy will ripple into the universe now that they are gone. In the midst of crushing and overwhelming sadness, this is the one thought that has kept me going over the last couple of days. I maintain hope, that maybe this joy these women brought into the universe will one day show reveal itself to me again. Perhaps their love was that strong.

Selfishly, and to be completely honest with you, I have thought a great deal about how I am possibly going to go on without these two women in my life. In the wee small hours last night as I was thinking about this, I heard these words from the song “Ripple” by The Grateful Dead.”
There is a road, no simple highway,
Between the dawn and the dark of night,
And if you go no one may follow,
That path is for your steps alone.

I thought about this as I now wander into a very dark night alone. My suspicion is that the love I had, albeit so tantalizing brief, will one day rise back up inside of me, and allow me to see the light again. To honor and nurture the wonderful light these two wonderful women brought to the world, I have to believe that I may somehow must find a way to share their light and enhance the immortality they brought to the world.

In beginning this task, I will think about our story together. How three lost and broken souls like we were, somehow, and against very long odds, found our way to each other. When I first met Kim she was lonely and angry and scared. I took a big chance getting involved in her life and making her my daughter, thinking I was somehow going to save her. But in the end, it was her that saved me. That’s one life lesson I will certainly draw on from her, how powerful and healing it is to be needed by someone. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you my sweet girl.

And to my beautiful wife Stephanie, I think back on our time together, and one of the first books we ever read together from Carlos Castaneda, “The Teaching of Don Juan.” He asks, before you embark on any path ask the question: Does this path have a heart? That phrase has been in my head from the first moment I laid eyes on her, as she not only had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever known, but was also the only one who ever made my own heart come alive. When I met her I thought that part of my life, the part that needed to use a heart, was over. Yet somehow, someway, this beautiful woman saw something in me, and made me a whole person again. That was what she did. She was a giver of life, and, for however fleeting a moment, she gave me the only real life I have ever known.

Looking at all of you out there, I am reminded how many lives these two ladies truly touched. I can only hope all of you, like me, will try and “pay it forward” when it comes to sharing the love these two brought into the world during there short stay here. I know that will be my challenge as well. To somehow fill the emptiness and loss with what is left behind. The memories and ripples of their incredible spirits.